You made me cruel, but I'm not a failure.

I will explain something about the way my blog works today. Every day, I'll choose a song that I like, and use it to describe the emotion I feel when I listen to that song. I will tell you about the personal experience related to it, and tell you about the images it brings up. Today, the song is rather depressing.

"Kill me I'm a monster
You made me cruel but I'm not a failure.
Kill me I'm a monster
I beg you now cause I'm not a killer.
Heal me I'm a monster
You spill my blood cause I'm just a dreamer
Kill me I'm a monster
You made me cry it will soon be over
Kill me I'm a monster
You made me cruel but I'm not a failure.
Kill me I'm a monster
You made me cry it will soon be over."

Kill Me - AWIM

This song is rather personal, and on the other hand it's not. Some people know and some people don't, some people might know the feeling and some might not. Either way, it's nothing you ever want to go through. This song is open for your own interpretation of it, but it is no doubt depressing.

To me, this song is about myself. Or, it was. I know how it feels to hate yourself and who you've become. But, I also know what's on the other side of the tunnel that can be very dark and very long, not to mention horribly cold. In times of darkness it is good to take a look around and look at the clouds that hang over you, what are they really? Who are they, even? If you want to start anew, you have to get rid of them all, no matter how difficult it may seem.

One of the things I regret is blaming myself for feeling bad, about feeling bad. If you're blue, down, depressed, don't ignore it. You have every reason to feel like that, you don't feel like that just for fun. Don't compare yourself to others when it comes to feelings, everybody reacts differently to things. I have been talking to a psychologist for about 4 months now, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is all so clear now.

What this song really does, is make me think of someone, someone who I used to have in my heart. It makes me sad to think about it, but I'm content. It is better not to have that particular shadow over me, and as soon as that shadow disappeared the sun started shining. And God, it was bright. I didn't know myself back then, I had turned into a monster. I did things I normally wouldn't, I felt emotions I had never felt before. Despair being the main one. I will never go back to that, ever again. I will ring the alarm bell in time. And if you feel down, you should do so too.

To be mature means to face, and not evade, every fresh crisis that comes.

Fritz Kunkel

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

J. K. Rowling